Scenes of You come rushing through, You are breaking me down.

So break me into pieces that will grow in the ground.

I know that I deserve to die for the murder in my heart

So be gentle with me Jesus as you tear me apart.

Please kill the liar, kill the thief in me.

You know that I am tired of their cruelty

Breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins, until only love remains.

You burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth.

The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth.

I begin to see reality for the first time in my life.

I know that I am a shadow, but I'm dancing in Your light.

Teach me to be humble.

Call me from the grave.

Show me how to walk with You upon the waves.

Breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins, until only love remains.

Teach me to be humble!

Call me from the grave.

Show me how to walk with You upon the waves.

Breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins, until only love remains!

-J.J. Heller's "Only Love Remains" lyrics

A sleepless night

Herre, jag är trött, men vill inte klaga. Jag vet att Du är med mig och håller mig inte vaken utan orsak. Tacksam för tiden i bön, men långsam att be med frimodighet och öppet hjärta. Det känns ofta så numera. Fast det är ändå annorlunda ikväll. Öppna mitt hjärta, bryt ner väggarna som håller mig bunden i och av mig själv. Befria mig, Herre! Befria mig, ber jag.

Du är kärlek. Det vet jag. Jag vet det inte heller bara i huvudet utan har upplevt Din kärlek i mitt liv. Du väckte mig från döden, kallade mig ifrån stigen jag vandrade som bara ledde till graven. Du älskade mig medan jag fortfarande var Din fiende. Du vakade över mig med Din stora nåd. Göm mig i Dina vingars skugga nu med. Släpp mig aldrig, Jesus. Du är min frälsningen och mitt hopp. Utan Dig far jag bara åt graven.

Hjälp mig, Herre, att tala högt mitt hjärta för Dig, att verkligen kasta allt som ligger på mitt hjärta till Dig. Jag håller ingenting tillbaka. Jag är Din nu. Jag prisar Dig ty jag är underbart skapad. När jag säger orden känns de främmande på tungan. Jag är underbart skapad. Så som jag, så vill Du att jag ska vara. Där jag är, där är Du med. Du fattar mig med Din högra hand. Denna kunskapen är mig allt för underbar, den är så hög att jag ej kan förstå den. Ge mig förmågan att ta emot Din ofattbara, oändlig och ovillkorlig kärlek.

Jag är Din dotter och sluter mig till Dig.

Lär mig att ta emot och ge Din kärlek.

Rapper preaching the Gospel

Irvine :)

That's where I am right now! I've been in Irvine for two days now, and it's been so good. Tonight was the summer Bible study with those Navigators who are still in the area for the summer. We were a good-sized group tonight, eight people, who got to share about our weeks and delve into the chapter of study for the week: John 14. So I have to be honest--I actually didn't do the study or even look at it until like an hour before the meeting, but it just so happened that one of the verses I was memorizing this week was John 14:21--

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

So that is what I've been thinking about this week. That's what it means to love Jesus! First, to study his Word, finding out what pleases Him and writing that on my heart, and second, to actually do what pleases Him!

One thing that was really tough for me this week was seeing someone I love not do this, yet feeling like it was not my place to correct them or point out their sin to them, and not knowing how to love or serve them in that circumstance. This was really burdening me through the week, and tonight, after reading and discussing John 14 with the Bible study group, I finally feel like I understand a little better how I can love and serve this person! And I once again feel what only Jesus can give us: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." :D

What I finally felt I understood about how to serve this person was this:
A friend of mine told me the other day, "Everyone wants to serve, but nobody wants to be treated like a servant."
That was so me this week. I realized that the reason I felt I didn't know how to love this person was because they seemed to me to be seeking to be served, which made me resistant and unwilling to serve them. In other words, they were in a sense treating me like a servant, and although I wanted to serve them, I didn't want them to treat me that way. I was definitely sinfully judging them. Ouch.

Another passage that I read a few days ago was Hebrews 12:2-3
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the trone of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
If Jesus endured such opposition from sinful man, then I should do the same and still continue serving out of love. This has been so encouraging to me, and yet it was exactly what I didn't do this week. I am such a sinner! So thankful that "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness"! Praise God.
Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." !!! Jesus says that if I believe in him, then I have to serve like he served, pray like he prayed, love like he loved, sacrifice like he sacrificed--I have to walk like he walked if I claim to live in him (1John 1:6).

And all this I want to do with thanksgiving, for "surely I have a delightful inheritance" (Ps.16:6b). "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire'" (Heb.12:28-29).

Trust

I've been home from EDGE Corps Summit for a week and a half and its been great! Summit (training for the Navigators' EDGE Corps ministry) was awesome. God is so good. He challenged me in many ways- TRUST was the major topic of the entire time. I'm learning to trust God more and more with everything, even in my own intimacy with Him. :D

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made....The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made." Ps. 145:8,9,13b

There is no reason not to trust Him. He is the One who can save. "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save" Ps. 146:3.
=D

God, teach me to trust you more and more. Teach me to trust you for "immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine" Eph. 3:20.

Being Still

Here is the beginning of my new blog--my first blog entry!

I am learning more and more that I desperately need time to just be--to come before God just as I am and be still. These past two weeks (the last two weeks of my last quarter here at UCI) have been tough...tough in school, a bit, yes, but moreso because for some reason I've been unwilling to really be honest with God and take time to just be with Him. Since this is my last quarter at UCI (and I only found out that it would be my last quarter halfway through the quarter, like a month ago) I've been stressing about finding something to do these next few months until commencement and whatever comes next, and I've also been trying to figure out exactly what comes next--or more like what God wants to come next for me. But hearing what He wants from me is infinitely harder when I don't spend time with Him or allow Him to lead me.

*Be still, and know that I am God. Ps. 46:10*

*The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14*

How great is that? The Almighty God of the universe fights for me--I just have to be still. So crazy. Hard for me to actually do--which I guess would mean that it's sometimes kind of hard for me to actually believe. Because aren't the things you truly believe displayed in what you do and how you live your life? I believe God is in control and has a plan for me ("For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11); why do I feel I need to have control or why is it so hard for me to give Him full control of my life? I want to. I really do. Lord, teach me to give You control and let you move in my life as You desire.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. Isaiah 30:15

This is where I was at these past two weeks...I "would have none of it," as Isaiah said. I kept saying I didn't know what I would do next year, or even in the next 3 months after I graduate this quarter, and that I needed to pray more about it...but I avoided praying about it and giving it to God. Finally, yesterday, I was encouraged by my brother, Jonathan, and took 45 minutes to just sit, alone, and give to God what I had been holding back: my plans for next year. And what did God give me in return? Relief, peace, joy, and an answer. I have been questioning whether EDGE Corps with the Navigators would be the right thing for me for next year, and I've been hesitating so much because of my desire to return to Sweden, and a developing fear of "getting stuck" (maybe getting stuck here or in what I do)...which is weird because I know that whatever I choose to do now doesn't have to be what I will always do, and I know that following God's will for me would never lead me to get stuck, but rather finding freedom.

So you're all probably still wondering what the answer was that God gave me. So I'll tell you. I believe God is leading me to do EDGE Corps with the Navigators, hopefully here in Irvine, next year! So, Lord willing, that is what I will be doing. AND, right after that time with God yesterday, I checked my email and saw a message from my internship supervisor about a job opening for a position as a temporary research assistant working on projects related to the ecology, diversity, and restoration of southern California ecosystems starting pretty much asap through June 15!! It sounds so cool and would fit perfectly in my schedule (not to mention that it's a job), so I applied right away...it's not for sure that I'll get it (of course), but it was really encouraging just to have something to apply to. I feel so blessed... there I had been worrying for two weeks about what I was going to do, and then all of a sudden God just hands me the answers. He is so good!

"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath" (Deut. 4:29-31).